Thursday, July 17, 2014

Hi my lovelies! 

I'm back!

Since it was extremely rude of me to neglect this blog for as long as I have ( I had a lot going on, I promise), I owe you a story you won't forget!

Sooo the downside of working the door on weekend nights is it is busy as hell. So busy that I barely have time to chew on my damn protein bar. I'm not exaggerating either. Not only is that tough, but I obviously don't get that many bathroom breaks. It blows.
Well last night i REALLY had to pee. This was something I just couldn't hold. So i decided I was going to go to the nearest bathroom. No biggie. I use that bathroom all the time.

Keep in mind:
1. I wear six inch heels
2. I'm clumsy as fuck
3. That bathroom happened to be all the way upstairs.

...need i say more?  I ATE the stairs on my way down.

Before almost smashing my face, I managed to grab onto the railing next to me and pull my body up with one arm. Then I got up, pulled myself together and walked back up to the door shaking. I continued to work until I had a second to speak to my door guy.
"I think I need to go to the hospital. I need stitches."
"You're okay!" he said. "Slap some hand sanitizer on it and wrap it up"
Refusing and crying I left the door and limped all the way to the office which is about ten miles away! As my disgusting wound was being cleaned I kept asking if my makeup was running. That's pretty much all I cared about. And my register being on point, of course since I rang a crowd of people after the incident. Both were perfect, by the way!

So here I lay with my coffee at 10 in the morning waiting to be seen by the doc. 
Quite the "Sunday Funday", huh?!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


I've never understood why people walk in and then come back up to my desk asking for their money back because there aren't enough customers in the club. Sometimes they even ask before they come in, or call and ask if it's packed inside.

WHY?! Are you going to talk to those people? Are you going to walk up to them and introduce yourself? What's your deal?

People go to strip clubs to see a naked woman shaking her ass and motor boating your face with her boobs. Not to mingle with other customers.

That is all.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Bubble Butts & Lap Dances

So it's a Saturday night and I just got out of work. I wasn't really in the mood, but I promised Sandy I would go out. We ventured to some rich folk club and of course ended up at the strip club afterwards. Sandy ALWAYS wants to go to the strip club. I, on the other hand could care less.

Boobs and vaginas are quite boring to me. The only thing that amuses me at this particular club are the strippers with the gigantic fake asses. I swear there are fake asses everywhere. The bartenders and waitresses were even sporting them! I just had to stop and take a look at my butt when I walked in to make sure it wasn't THAT small. I was the minority.

Anyways, Sandy spots a stripper there and immediately hugs her. They are talking nonsense and failed relationships when finally I am introduced. Sandy thought it would be a good idea to get me my very first lap dance. Yes, ive worked at strip clubs and ive never gotten a lap dance.

I'd have to say I was proud of Sandy for her choice in women. She was a beautiful blonde with a natural butt. Thank the heavens, otherwise I would be running for the hills.

The stripper started grinding herself on me like she would a man and I couldn't help but laugh. She then told me to relax in her "sexy" voice and got down on her knees and started blowing on my area! This is what men get off on?! Fake humping and getting your genitals blown on with the hot air of a stranger's breath?

Sandy and I ended up doing $100 in songs but sat there talking to the stripper for most of the time. She told us her story, that she used to waitress and ended up dancing. She blatantly called herself a whore and said she fucks for money. I felt sort of sorry for her, but she obviously didn't feel too sorry for herself.

Though my first lap dance was quite entertaining, that will be my first and last. I've never really understood them anyways. What guy wants to pay $25 a song for blue balls? Apparently a ton of you..
Remember I mentioned ridiculous sayings on hats in a previous post? 
Here ya go! 

I opened our hat drawer last night to find this gem sitting on top! 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Princess is Out!!!

I'm really upset with myself. Here's why: 

Last night near closing time I was getting my paperwork done. I had everything laid out on my table (a thousand loose papers) and from the corner of my eye I see some big old fat guy fighting to take off his t shirt. Where does this asshole decide to furiously slam his sweaty shirt? Right on top of my desk. On top of my neatly sorted paperwork. Papers flew everywhere. How did I react? 

I went ape shit. 

I cursed, threw and flailed my arms in the air. I even got in his friends face a little bit.

I radioed my door guy who of course, happened to be doing something else at the time and four of my guys quickly showed up. The rude disgusting man had already left. After about 20 minutes of cooling down I started to feel like an ass. People who do things to piss you off WANT a reaction out of you. And I gave it to him. BIG time. 

Working in this industry I'm well aware we come across rude, disrespectful, immature morons. Every single day. And although I can't stand it, it's my job to put up with these kind of people. 

I'd say (or at least like to believe) I've gotten so much better then when I first started working here.

One of my guys laughed and said "the princess is out!" (He called me this in the beginning when I would react insanely to things like this before).

What can I say? I have the little person temper.

I promise myself from this day forward not to act the way I did tonight and I promise not to jump over my desk and strangle someone, no matter how hard it may be.

I'll try my very hardest to keep Princess locked up.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


This may not be a topic many of you care about, but I'm sure the girls reading this can feel my pain. 

I'm seriously super upset. I'm upset because as I'm sitting in my wonderful car waiting for my husband to hurry the hell up with whatever he's doing, I just so happened to look down at my beautiful EXPENSIVE shoes and notice they are pretty damn ruined.

Ruined. Just looking at them is making me want to cry. I don't know why I decide to spend thousands (yes, thousands) on shoes and wear them to work. You might think that is a silly thing to say, but I'm far from joking when I tell you they manage to be ruined by the end of the month. Eh, maybe two. 

This has always been a complete mystery to me. I don't do anything at work. Well, I do work. But you get the point. I sit in a fucking chair all day! 
Is it the cigarette smoke slowly destroying them as I'm sitting there laughing with coworkers and customers having a good time? Is there a midget living underneath my chair slashing at my shoes without me feeling it? I don't know. Though this is something I'd rather not do I'm going to start buying $20 heels at the "Everything must go!" Stores. 

Problem solved.

This is similar to what they end up looking like: 

And this my EXACT facial expression when I finally realize: